Les Mis:  What Not to Do
by Wide-Eyed For Pontmercy
Summary: I've only seen one other fic like this, which is a real shame because there's SO much that should never be done with Les Mis. Forgive my mean sense of humor coming out every now and then. R & R, people! ...Please? Oh, and there's a new chapter up!
1. Don't Do It!

**A/N **Thanks for the reviews! So I edited out most of the mistakes, then I added some more Les Miserables No-No's. Tell me what you guys think :)

I will not give Eponìne a lovely flower bouquet and tell her it's from Marius.

I will not make a rhyming song about Fantine and Pantene. So what if she has gorgeous hair?

I will not give Eponìne a pair of Marius' underwear. Just because I think it could end badly.

I will not shave Javert's mutton chops while he is sleeping. I will not callJavert "Mutton Chops" while he is around.

I will not take Garvoche to see **My Fair Lady**.

I will not put Grantaire's liquor in Jean's coffee.

I will not polish Bousett's head to use as a mirror.

I will not moan over how delicious my bread is while Jean is around.

I will not floss my teeth while Fantine is around.

I will not release black cats or throw shattered mirrors at Bousett. He already has bad enough luck.

I will not sexually molest Marius, though God knows I want to.

I will not pull the bench away when Cosette sits down.

I will not steal Enjolras' vest and auction it off on ebay.

I will not tell Prouvaire that by 2010, half the world's marriages end in divorce.

I will not tell Eponìne that her part has been cut from the 1998 and 1978 movie.

I will not steal Marius' ring and wear it on a chain. I will not ask Enjolras to form a fellowship to defeat an evil force and destroy the ring. (Hey, can't you see the Amis being a great fellowship? They'd defeat Sauron in no time!)

I will not tell Cosette that Marius is having multiple affairs behind her back.

I will not heist Enjolras' red flag to wear as a toga.

I will not swear by the stars when I'm upset. Nor will I commit suicide.

I will not give the Amis obscene nicknames.

I will not put duct-tape on the seats of the chairs at the cafe.

I will not ask Cosette to do the "Running Man" every time she says "Marius" or "Papa."

I will not make fan memorabilia featuring the Amis naked. Hot damn, just imagine it.

I will not pretend to be a revolutionist's ghost after the barricade falls.

I will not steal the Bishop's remaining worldly goods.

I will not offer the Thénardiers any marriage counseling.

I will not poke Jean while he's sleeping then shout, "It's me, Javert!" when he wakes up.

I will not replace Cosette's modest dresses with thongs and tube tops.

I will not teach Eponìne how to sing "Love Drug" or "You Belong With Me."

I will not kick people off the top of the barricade shouting, "This. Is. SPARTA!"

I will not tell Marius that Cosette died while he was gone...Just imagine the look on his face!

I will not give Enjolras the use of a microphone.

I will not let Grantaire do a keg stand.

I will not dance on the cafe tables while singing "TiK ToK"

Following that train of thought, I will not walk into the cafe saying, "The party don't start 'till I walk in!"

I will not use my revolutionist belt as a headband or lasso.

I will not tell Fantine to sing Aretha Franklin's "Respect" when Javert confronts her.

I will not introduce Coureyfec to facebook or online dating.

I will not give Jean silver candlesticks and tell him to hide them as quick as he can.

I will not tell Javert that Jean has always had a crush on him

I will not introduce Les Amis to the Jonas Brothers.

I will not tell Enjolras that Grantaire is the star of many slash fics involving him in FF.

I will not tell the Amis what "slash" stories are.

I will not tell the Amis what FF is.

I will not use the cafe to host a revolutionary rave party. (Whoot-whoot, break out the glow sticks!)

I will not use the barricade as an excuse to stay home from work or school.

I will not shout "Curse you, aqua scum!" when telling policemen that I'm a revolutionist.

I will not copy everything Enjolras does just to annoy him.

I will not let Grantaire make me his drinking buddy.

I will not tell Marius that Cosette is a lesbian.

I will not tell Eponìne that Marius only likes boys. I will not tell Eponìne that she's lucky that she looks like a boy.

I will not call Fantine "Goldie Locks."

I will not pretend I've been shot to get Marius to snuggle me.

I will not encourage Javert to a GPS when hunting ex-convicts.

I will not tell Marius that "I see dead people."

I will not tell Combferre that his name makes me want to comb his hair.

I will not instruct Grantaire to say; "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," every time Enjolras talks about revolution.

I will not braid Javert's hair.

I will not shout "France!" in moments of great passion. Nor will I shout "Enjolras!" or "Marius!"

I will not use any of the Amis names as swear words.

I will not tickle Javert to see if he can smile.

I will not hum the "Who Am I" melody every time I feel confusion or unease.

I will not dye Enjolras' hair black to match his red vest. (Red and Black, get it? Hehehe)

I will not challenge Jean to arm wrestle.

I will not ask M. Thénardier to be my mortician after I die.

I will not call Enjolras "Enjy" to his face.

I will not tell Joly about germs.

I not will make a docudrama about the barricade.

I will not call Cosette "Ursula" nor will I leave handkerchiefs with "U's" lying around.

I will not sing "Drink With Me" every time someone offers me a beverage.

I will not ask Marius to see his scars.

I will not ask Gavorche to set me up with an Amis.

I will not make the Amis go on "The Bachelor."

I will not ask Jean to show me his tattoo. "24601!"

I will not ask Combeferre to teach me about philosophy.

I will not play Spoons with Grantaire when he's drunk. So I'll never play Spoons with Grantaire.

I will not spell "Joly" with five L's just to spite him.

I will not take a Speech and Debate class with Enjolras.

I will not Jean that Cosette eloped with Marius.

I will not teach Marius about "sex-education." _Awkward!_

I will not sing Phantom songs, particularly the Final Lair, while roaming through the sewers with Thénardier.

I will not offer burnt sacrifices to my Les Miserables shrine on October 8th.

I will not squeal, "_It's JavEERRTTT_!" in a really high-pitched tone.

I will not create "Pink Ladies" jackets for Fantine and her other three friends. Nor will I create "T-Bird" jackets for their schmucky lovers.

I will not wear only red or black clothing around the Amis.

I will not ask Javert to pass out candy to little kids on Halloween. He'd probably just arrest them.

I will not tell Toussaint that Jean had secretly been obsessed with her for years.

I will not give Cosette binoculars so she can see past her little grate in the fence.

I will not allow Eponìne to watch Marius take bathes.

Likewise, I will not allow Grantaire to spy on Enjolras during bath-time.

I will not introduce the game "Risk" to the Amis.

I will not tell Gavroche to watch _Moulin Rouge._ Don't get it? Just think about it.

I will not stalk Marius then say I've been shot when he finds out that I've been watching him.

I will not ask Madame Thénardier to ever baby-sit my future children.

I will not play with beautiful dolls in front of little-Cosette.

I will not smack any of the characters upside the head and say, "Shoulda had a V8!"

I will not reenact the barricade scene with a home-made pillow and sheet fort on June 6th.


	2. The Madness Continues

_Here's more nonsense! Sorry if there's typos, I just went ahead and wrote this all right now...I really should be working on my humanities essay...Anyways, thanks for the reviews, and keep 'em coming please!_

I will not get "24601" as my first tattoo.

If I ever need to have braces, I will not choose to have blue, white and red bands. In that order.

I will not organize a vicious man-hunt for Hans Matheson and Nick Jonas. (well...I might actually do this one. Both of those guys should have _never_ played Marius!)

I will not get a hat just to see if people like it.

I will not shout - "_Vive la France_!", "Vive la République!", "Vive la Résistance!" or any similar phrase as my dying words.

I will not use "delicate flower" as my nick-name for Prouvaire.

I will not write more Les Mis FF when I'm supposed to be writing an essay.

I will not ask Cosette to make me lint bandages.

I will not ask my humanities teacher to add the Brick onto the mandatory reading list.

I will not ask Jean to be my partner in a game of Chicken.

I will not give Eponine a padded bra.

I will not through a fit every time I hear a newbie mispronounce a LM character's name. (Unless their saying "Jean" wrong. That's just ridiculous.)

I will not make offerings at Victor Hugo's grave.

I will not force Enjolras to sing "Defying Gravity" with me.

I will not wear a trench coat and ugly hat and creep after Marius like a certain angst-filled teenage girl does.

I will not ask the Bishop for a loan of silver candlesticks.

I will not pierce Javert's belly button. (I'm not really sure where that idea came from, but just picture how disgruntled Javert would be with a girly butterfly hanging from his belly button.)

I will not buy books just because their summary mentions France or revolution.

I will not sing "Javert's Soliloquy" before jumping off the high dive at swimming pools.

I will not stalk various actors simply because they played in Les Mis. Though I already stalk Michael Ball :)

When asked what I want to do with my life, I will not say "be a student revolutionary, preferably living in France."

I will not tell Grantaire about the Jonas Brothers, just because I could see him developing a little crush and he's only allowed to love Enjolras and booze.

I will not turn my revolutionary belt into a magical lasso.

I will ask Les Amis to go skinny dipping.

I will not tell Gavroche that his part has been played by little girls before.

I won't tell Les Amis that their parts have been played by ladies either.

Most importantly, I won't tell Enjy that I dressed up like him last Halloween...and I'm a teenage girl. It'd just hurt his pride and probably scare him.

I will not say that my address is 55 Rue Plumet.

I will not ask Marius to tell Cosette - "Ursula, I found your scrunchie." (Props if you got that!)

I will not make Jean watch Zombieland, then tell him that the world is going to turn out just like that because he stole bread.

I will not ask Enjolras to slow dance with me.

I will not make Les Amis perform "Grease Lightening."

When people ask me how my life's going, I will not reply - "In my life, there are so many questions and answers that somehow seem wrong/ ect."

I will not introduce Courfeyrac to speed-dating.

I will not ask Combeferre to stop being such a square.

I will not slap the next Mizzie that asks me how Les Amis de l'ABC is a pun.

I will not tell Fantine about Susan Boyle.

I will not tell Marius that his grandfather had arranged a marriage for him, and that I'm his real bride, not Cosette.

I will not go crowd-surfing after I try diving off the barricade.

I will not re-enact Waterloo.

I will not make up an interpretive dance for "Master of the House."

I will not ask Enjolras and Marius to make up more pretty songs about colors.

I will not try to improve my French by singing the original lyrics.

I will not address my friends with LM names, even if they're perfect replicas of a LM character.

I will not initiate a snowball fight while Fantine is around.

I will not tell Eponine that there isn't a little fall of rain while she dies.

I will not make Grantaire attempt to walk on a straight line.

I will not ask Jean to give me a piggy-back ride through the sewers.

I will not challenge Javert to a game of Hide and Seek.

I will not ever admit that my love for Les Miserables has reached the point where it's definitely creepy.


End file.
